I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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