and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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