We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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