No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
