Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
