Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
