Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
