Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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