woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
