Betty ford says i'm here all night
You can't special order awesome
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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