That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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