I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
