On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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