I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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