Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
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