Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
