I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
