Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
