Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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