I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Randomize
