If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
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