In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Randomize
