i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
