thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize