I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
