I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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