drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
