She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
