I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
