Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
