what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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