i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
