Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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