Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
