gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This is the high leading the old right now
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
