I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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