There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
