I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
