I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
