Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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