i need an iv and a liver transplant
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
