There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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