When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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