True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
