Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
