well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
