OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
