Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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