The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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