you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
