3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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